Suicide For Dummies: The Jasper Chronicles
by ChelzeyFoot
Summary: Jasper has become so depressed he seeks suicide as a solution. However, suicide is actually harder then it looks. Tells of the many humorous and failed attempts of Jasper.
1. Prolouge

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I, unfortunately , do not own any of the characters ): They belong to the genius mind of Stephanie Meyer! Enjoy and please comment! Thanks!

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"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Emmett stared across the living room with a surprised look on his face from Jasper's little out burst.

"Dude, Florida's only lose'n by like four points! Chill out!" Emmett laughed, oblivious to the internal struggle going on in Jasper's mind.

The truth was, Jasper could care less about the dumb basketball game, or anything else for that matter. You see now a days, Jasper had become so miserable with his vampire life that he thought of no other way to make it better than to end his unending life.

Sure he had the rest of the Cullens and Alice, who were currently out hunting. Oh, he did love the Cullens and especially Alice more than anything in the world. He would even die for her! She would eventually get over it. She was better off without him anyways!

However, all the emotions around him were starting to get to him. He felt like a bipolar nut case who just escaped from the mental institute!

So it was settled! This was it. Today was the day. Today was the day he, Jasper Hale/Cullen/Whitlock was going to kill himself… or… so he thought. We all remember from Edward and the previous years, vampire suicide is rare and extremely tough. Jasper was about to find this out the hard way….


	2. Chapter 1: Tarzan

Jasper whistled as he dragged 5ft of rope behind him through the thick forest. He had spent all afternoon thinking of the perfect (and easiest) way to kill himself. He finally decided on the old time rope around the neck hanging.

After 3min and 530 miles, god forbid anyone walked out of the house and found him in the act for that would be one long and embarrassing story, he found the perfect tree. There was no doubt it was at least 50ft tall and had a base of about 5ft by 4ft.

Using his vampire abilities he easily climbed up the tree and tied one end of the rope to a branch and a circle with the other end. Slipping the rope through his head and tying it tight, he looked down and estimated he was about 20ft high.

He sighed knowing no one could hear him and said, "Goodbye my immortal life. Love you Alice." With that he jumped off the branch and the unexpectable happened.

With his weight and the speed at which he jumped, caused too much pressure on the tree. With an ear splitting crack the branch broke falling to the earth floor as the rest of the tree came toppling down with it. The forest was in an eruption of noise- tree limbs crunching, roots breaking, the ground shaking, and then quiet.

Jasper had landed on his stomach with the base of the tree lying across his back, needles poking into him from ever angle.

He leaned his head on his hand. "Damn." he hissed observing the mess he had made. From his seat under the tree he noticed four other trees had been knocked down as well.

Out of no where a booming laugh came only to have Emmett appear out of no where.

"What the hell happened?" Emmett laughed.

"Um… Nothing! Nothing! I don't know what your talking about!" Jasper coolly played it off trying to hide the rope to the best of his abilities in his certain situation.

Emmett wasn't buying it.

"Yeah right, and Bella isn't clumsy!"

"Just get the tree off of me."

"Say please!"

"Will you please get the…"

"No! No! No!" Emmett cut him off. "Say 'Oh please great one! Will you pretty, pretty, please with gumballs and rainbow kittens on top, help me?'"

Jasper glared at Emmett.

"I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a chainsaw! Now will you please just GET THIS THING OFF OF ME BUTT MUNCH!" Jasper yelled suddenly fuming. His out of control emotions were getting to him.

"Butt munch?" Emmett repeated, bursting out laughing harder. Jasper snarled but that only made Emmett pretend to be offended as he gasped, "Well then! I'll just take my 200 pounds of raw muscle and sexiness and go else where with it!"

Jasper clutched his teeth and unwilling through them said, "Oh please great one. Will you pretty, pretty, please with…gumballs…and…rainbow kittens on top, help me?"

"What was that? I can't hear you?"

"EMMETT YOU CAN HEAR ME! YOU'RE A VAMPIRE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! IF YOU DON'T GET THIS THING OFF OF ME I'M GOING TO KILL YOU INSTEAD OF MY…" Jasper shut up realizing the mistake he just made. Emmett however, heard it.

Emmett stared, strangely not in anger or puzzlement, but _amusement. _He walked over to Jasper.

"You do know even if the tree wouldn't of snapped you would of just swung around until some poor human found you and freaked that you weren't dead. Incase you forgot, you're a vampire! You don't need air!" he exclaimed, flicking Jasper on his forehead.

Jasper sighed. "Just shut up and help me."

Emmett laughed lifting the tree.

"No problem, Tarzan!"


	3. Chapter 2: Cop & Robber

**JPOV**

So the first time was unsuccessful, but Jasper knew the old saying. If at first you don t succeed, try and try again. That s exactly what he planned to do.

What part of you don t need air don t you understand? Besides, why are you in the dark? Emmett asked crossing his arms as he stared at Jasper s latest idiotic plan.

The tree hadn't worked quite as well as Jasper had hoped, so he had tied a new rope from the pillar of the hardwood fan (See anything wrong with this yet? Any warning signs flashing across your mind?).

Because I like the dark! Now, just go be the look out!

Emmett rolled his eyes and left the room mumbling something about a crazy, psychotic, vampire. Jasper grabbed a chair and placed it underneath the fan, and draped his neck through the hoop. Carefully, he kicked the chair from under him as he hung from the fan.

**EPOV**

_Jasper is so stupid trying to kill himself when he knows it won t work! The crazy bastard had finally lost it!_ Emmett leaned against the door chuckling to himself.

"Hey babe." Emmett stood up straight smiling at the angel talking to him.

"Well heellooooo!" Rose rolled her eyes at Emmett s lame response.

"How about you join me in the bedroom?" she asked.

"Oh hell yeah!" Emmett roared picking Rose up and throwing her over his shoulder. "Wait, what about the house? Esme likes it a lot."

Rose smiled mischievously.

"Well, we will just have to be less rough if you know what I mean! Now, giddy up!" Rose exclaimed, slapping Emmett on the butt as he raced off to their room passing Bella on their way.

**JPOV**

He waited patiently for death to come, but it didn't. He even stopped breathing. That s when he heard the door open as someone reached for the light switch.

No! Jasper choked, but it was only a strangled noise.

**BPOV**

Bella walked into Jasper and Alice s bedroom looking for the sweater Alice insisted matched Bella s personality. She reached for the light switch even though the darkness didn't bother her vampire eyes, (force of habit) and froze.

"OH MY GOSH, JASPER!"

**JPOV**

He heard a cry from the door way and felt the terror radiating off the person. That wasn't the worst part though, because at that moment he began to spin slowly gaining momentum. Around and around the fan went taking Jasper with it. In seconds it was at high speed.

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!" Jasper choked, but Bella just stood there frozen.

Two minutes passed before Jasper was released when the rope broke and sent him flying through the window. The glass shattered and tumbled to the ground with Jasper.

"Jasper!" Bella cried out running to the window seal.

"What s with all the commotion?" Carlisle asked as the rest of the Cullen family joined Bella by the window.

"This better be good!" Rose exclaimed wearing a non-too pleasing naughty cop girl outfit with a shirtless Emmett at her side. Everyone gave her a horrifying look.

"We were playing cop and robber!" Emmett added cheerfully. Everyone shook their heads trying to get unwanted images out. Everyone turned their attention back to Jasper. Jasper looked up to see the faces of his seven family members.

"Hey there..." Jasper said pulling himself up and dusting off the dirt. Everyone jumped from the window to the ground.

"Jazz, what the heck?" Alice asked as she pulled a piece of glass out of her husband's arm.

"He was like swinging by his... on the... what the hell Jasper!" Everyone looked at Bella, especially Edward who was holding Nessie in his arms.

"Momma say a bad word!" Nessie sang.

"Yes she did," Edward replied still looking at Bella. "Love, I've never heard you swear before! He took a minute to make sure she was okay before turning his attention to Jasper. What were you doing anyways?"

Jasper hid his thoughts and calmly said, "Oh you know! Hang'n!"

Carlisle raised his eyebrow suspiciously. "Were you trying to kill yourself?"

"Psh! No! Gosh Carlisle! That s just preposterous! Besides, vampires can t hang themselves!"

"That s what I..." Jasper kicked Emmett shutting him up.

"Then what were you doing?" Esme asked serenely.

"Um... trying to scare Bella? Surprise?" Bella frowned at him as did Edward, but no one asked any questions. Jasper was always strange since him and Alice first showed up to their door. Slowly, everyone dispersed back to what they were doing.

"Come on bad boy!" Rose exclaimed cuffing Emmett behind his back with leopard print hand cuffs that Emmett could no doubt break if he wanted to.

"Aren't ya going to read me my rights?" Emmett asked. Rose grinned, pushing Emmett forward as they walked back into the house.

"You have the right to remain sexy. Anything I say you will do..."

Jasper almost barfed.

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Sorry it took so long! My computer completely crashed and I just got it up and running again. Thanks for the comments and keep them coming please!


	4. Chapter 3: Shoot Me

Jasper was rummaging through his gigantic closet (thanks mostly to his wife J) when he came across a box tucked down in the farthest corner beneath racks of clothes. He smiled while he opened it as images of his human past came flying back to him. They were fuzzy and not all the way there but they were special.

Slowly, as if it would disintegrate, he pulled out him old confederate uniform and looked it over.

"Good times…" Jasper whispered to himself, setting it down and digging further into the box. That's when he saw his old riffle and a plan came rushing to his head.

"Shoot me!" Jasper exclaimed.

Emmett and him currently stood in the middle of the baseball clearing with three, large, dusty, bags filled with black powder and Jasper's riffle.

" I don't think it will do much damage. Probably hurt a whole hell of a lot!"

Jasper sighed becoming annoyed with Emmett.

"Look, you owe me! After seeing Rose like that… Ug…" Jasper gagged on the memory.

"It was better in the bedroom!"

"Oh god! Just shut up and shoot me already! Please! I beg you!" Jasper shouted making Emmett laugh even harder.

Jasper braced himself.

"Right in the chest!" He reminded Emmett, as if he needed it. This was only Jasper's 20th time saying it.

Emmett loaded the powder into the riffle, aimed, and fired. The shot rattled through the trees. Jasper cursed in pain.

"OW! MOTHER ******!"

"Told ya!" Emmett mused. "That gives a whole knew meaning to the saying 'shot heard around the world!'"

"Do it again!" Jasper yelled.

"Dude! It's not gonna work!"

"Just shoot me!" Jasper snarled.

"Jazz, I…"

"Shoot me!"

"But it's…"

"Shoot it!"

"It's…"

"DAMN IT EMMETT, SHOOT ME!"

"JASPER IT'S NOT GONNA…"

"YOUR WIFE IS A LIFE SUCKING SHE-DEVIL!"

That did it.

Emmett shot over and over again hitting Jasper right in the chest. Jasper silently closed his eyes waiting for death except all he felt was pain.

After a while the surrounding area became a hushed silence. Jasper opened his eyes.

"Again." He stated annoyed by Emmett's break.

"We ran out!" Emmett replied.

"All three bags?"

"Yep! You wasted three bags of black powder for nothing!"

Jasper growled putting his hands in his pockets and hanging his head down in defeat. That's when his fingers ran over something plastic. He pulled it out and hope filled him.

"We've got enough for one more shot!" Jasper exclaimed throwing the little plastic baggy at Emmett.

"Of course! Waste more! Why not!" He mumbled sarcastically reloading the gun. "Here goes nothing!"

Emmett raised the gun and shot.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Jasper fell to the ground grabbing at his face as he withered in pain.

"YOU SHOT ME IN THE EYE! YOU BASTARD!" He cried.

Emmett fell to the ground rolling around in laughter, and if he could, he'd be crying in amusement right now.


	5. Chapter 4: Baby Sitting

Jasper adjusted his eye patch growling at himself in the mirror. The old sane was true. It was all fun and games until someone gets shot in the eye!

"I look like frick'n Captain Hook all I need is the hook!" He mumbled to himself.

"Unca Jazzy!"

Jasper turned and smiled at his two year old niece to which Emmett and himself were supposed to be baby sitting. Why Bella had left her in his hands after nearly giving her, a vampire, a heart attack, he had no clue.

"Yes Nessie?"

"Come pay bayball wid me and unca Emy!"

Jasper frowned at the thought of Emmett still annoyed at his earlier attempts at ending things.

"Peeeez!" She cried giving him those puppy dog eyes she does so good.

Jasper sighed knowing he would never win this. She had been hanging out with that mutt Jacob to long. She must of! Who else would teach her how to look like a puppy _that_ well.

"Ok." He sighed. In one swift motion he picked her up into his arms, making sure her neck wasn't that close to his nose for safety reasons, and took of running towards the field.

Emmet was already waiting for them drenched from the rain.

"I wanna ba' first!" Nessie cried grabbing the bat once Jasper set her down.

Emmett handed Jasper a glove and laughed, "I will pitch since I have _two _good eyes! Captain Hook can be the umpire!"

Nessie giggled while Jasper snatched the glove from Emmett's hands and went to kneel behind her.

"Here goes nothing!" Emmett yelled letting the ball fly.

Nessie swung at hit hitting it square on. Letting the bat fly, she started running at full speed to first base. The bat flipped in the air twice and before Jasper had the chance to move, came crashing down in the middle of his head.

"Ow." Jasper groaned rubbing his head, but that's when he got an idea….

"You ok?" Emmett asked as him and Nessie stared at him.

"Yeah… I just got an idea. Hey Nessie, want to play a game?"

She nodded enthusiastically.

"It's called piñata!"

Emmett gave him a sideways glance as Nessie jumped up and down.

"How you pay Unca Jazzy?"

"Yeah Unca Jazzy, how _do_ you play?" Emmett asked, suspicion written in his eyes.

Jasper smiled mischievously. "Well, you have to see how many times you can hit someone with a bat before they stop moving! You want to play?"

"Ok!" Nessie exclaimed in normal two year old excitement.

Emmett stared at Jasper.

"Um Nessie…. Let me talk to Uncle Jasper before we play." Emmett grabbed Jasper and yanked him away. "Are you still on this suicide kick? First off, killing your uncle really traumatizes a kid. Second, homicide doesn't look good on a preschooler's record!"

"Do you see this?" Jasper asked pointing at his eye patch. "I will give you one for both eyes if you don't shut up!"

"You and what army?" Emmett mused.

"The confederate! Besides, I thought you didn't believe I can die?"

"I don't."

"Well then you have nothing to worry about! Since when did you become the sensible one anyways?"

"The same time you lost it! Fine! Let her beat the crap out of you, but I'm not telling her parents why she decided to attack you with a bat! You can explain that one to Edward and Bella yourself!" Emmett exclaimed.

Jasper rolled his eyes, "Fine!"

With that, they both walked back over to Nessie.

"Okay Nessie," Jasper said handing her the bat. "Let it fly!"

"I'll count!" Emmett added excited to see Jasper get beat up by a two year old.

Nessie did more then let it fly though. She attacked Jasper like he was trying to kidnap her or something. Hit after hit Jasper felt the pain but stood still as Emmett laughed and counted. When Emmett reached 132 hits, he decided he just had to get in on the action.

He quietly motioned for Nessie to hand him the bat. When she did, he attacked Jasper with the bat hitting him as hard as he could nearly breaking the bat.

"Ow! Ow! Emmett!" Jasper yelled.

"Say I'm right!" Emmett yelled back.

"Knock it off!"

"Say I'm right! You can't die!"

"Stop it!"

Again and again Emmett hit Jasper.

"Ok you're right!" Jasper finally shouted.

"And don't you forget it!" Emmett exclaimed giving Jasper one last hit before tossing the bat to the ground.

Jasper laid in the fetal position curled up in the ball in pain.

"Nessie?" Edwards voice called from the house.

Nessie grabbed the bat and took off running towards the house with Emmett right behind her grinning. Once Nessie saw Edward she did the unthinkable.

She attacked her father with the bat.

"Ow! Nessie! Stop!" Edward exclaimed. Everyone in the room stood in shock from Nessie's uncharacteristic like outburst.

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen, stop it now!" Bella scolded.

Nessie stopped and said, "Unca Jazzy taught meh this game!"

Edward glared at the crippled Jasper who was limping into the house.

"Why are you teaching my daughter these things? I would expect Emmett to but I thought you were the responsible one!" Edward asked through clenched fangs.

"I…uh… My how beautiful Bella is looking today!" Jasper replied.

"Don't try to distract me!" By now Edward's anger was rolling off him and crashing over Jasper.

Jasper gave a weak smile and dashed out the door with Edward mere inches behind him and Alice mere inches behind him yelling,

"DON'T TOUCH MY HUSBAND!"

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**A/N: **I just want to say thanks for all the feedback/comments and keep it coming please!


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